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Go out with you? Why not... Do I like to dance? Of course! Take a walk along the beach tonight? I'd love to. But don't try to touch me. Don't try to touch me. Because that will never happen again. "Past, Present and Future"-The Shangri-Las

Monday, January 04, 2010

Fit The Frame

Edit 1/13/13: Greetings, those of you who found this because you're searching for calendars to fit in Lang frames!  Your best bet is probably here.  Hope that helps!

I'm selling calendars in a mall kiosk part-time. It isn't what I thought I'd be doing when I was 36, but nevermind. I've learned a few things in the process.

Kid's calendars don't sell. I thought those Disney Princess calendars would fly outta here, but they just sit there, slowly warping on the shelves. I finally figured out why. Kids don't need calendars.

No one wants dog calendars. They want Their Dog calendars. When someone looks at a dog calendar and exclaims "That's my Missy! That looks just like her!" I know we've made a sale.

When women buy beefcake or cheesecake calendars, they always think they need to explain themselves.

There is a calendar publishing company called Lang that has a fiendishly brilliant scheme for locking in repeat customers. All their calendars are lovingly crafted kitsch art that're designed to look pretty on a kitchen wall and won't give you diabetes the way Thomas "No Shame" Kincaide will. But their secret weapon is the frame.

People ask for Lang calendars by name, and then tell me about the frame. Lang sells wooden frames that fit their calendars... and only their calendars. Some assembly required; women always say they bought the frame, but men always say they built a frame, as if they chopped down a tree and hand-carved it. And once people have that frame, they feel duty bound to stick their next calendar into it.

Once the Lang calendars were almost sold out (You won't find Lang calendars for sale at half price after the holidays... they'll all be gone) the Lang Frame Gang started fretting. I had customers express dissatisfaction with the few remaining Lang calendars, wander around the kiosk looking for something more appealing, and cry out "Nothing I like will fit the frame!" A common existential delimma, pithily expressed.

Do you suppose they bought the calendar they liked and decided to put the frame in the closet for a year?

Not on your life. They all bought Langs they didn't like. Gotta fit the frame.


skat said...

Haha, I know this is an old post, but I felt compelled to comment. My husband DID make my calendar frame...and if those men who all say they did as well really DID...well then fitting the frame wouldn't be an issue, would it? Why? Because I buy a calendar that I like and if it doesn't "fit the frame," dear hubby just makes me a new one that fits the calendar! LOL!

Aaron White said...

Skat, sounds like your husband's a keeper! I've never made my wife a calendar frame. Maybe I better get started.