About Me
- Aaron White
- Go out with you? Why not... Do I like to dance? Of course! Take a walk along the beach tonight? I'd love to. But don't try to touch me. Don't try to touch me. Because that will never happen again. "Past, Present and Future"-The Shangri-Las
Showing posts with label clumsy satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clumsy satire. Show all posts
Friday, September 10, 2010
One Man Show
I recently heard an NPR story about Hal Holbrook's one man show about Mark Twain. It's got me inspired. I'm planning a show about Edgar Allen Poe in which I get drunk and hit on teenage girls, followed by a show on H. P. Lovecraft in which I have a seizure if a non-WASP is in the audience.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
You'll Never Work In This Town Again!
I'm still smarting from my last audition. I'm torn between two theories as to why I got cut in the first round:
1. I'm not nearly as good as I think I am. I wouldn't be the first clueless confabulator in show business. For reassurance I fall back on the testimonials, however insincere or equally clueless, I've received from others. Even assuming that I'm actually any good, I may have lost my edge somewhere along the way. I think I've lost a bit of confidence, and that may show, undermining my auditions with flop sweat.
2. The fault ain't mine. In the audition piece I was given I had a joke which was obviously meant to be a climactic laugh line but which I thought was really weak... last-season-of-Night-Court weak. Actually the whole scene was kind of like that Diane Rehm Show skit I posted a few weeks back, only without all the bile. Kind of a clunky "Fair, polite satire" thing. As my friend J'mel would say, it was very "local," as in a local production suitable only for local hometown-pride audiences. Sounds like a blast, huh? So in order to sell it I tried to invest it with the full force of the character's conviction, channeling everything I've learned from Bill Hicks about smart-alecky white guy ranting (which seemed like an on-target character choice). Maybe it sucked, but maybe it was too strong for what is meant to be a non-threatening little satire. You know, a dainty little wisp of a satire. A meek, harmless little fluffball of a satire. A Satirette.
Another guy did a reading of the same bit, and delivered the line with a casual offhandedness that probably worked better than my attempt to "save" the joke with a big chunk of actorly acting (he also gave a subtle and convincing performance, and might be very good in the role). I suppose professional actors have to learn to deliver lame jokes without any visible tremble of shame.
1. I'm not nearly as good as I think I am. I wouldn't be the first clueless confabulator in show business. For reassurance I fall back on the testimonials, however insincere or equally clueless, I've received from others. Even assuming that I'm actually any good, I may have lost my edge somewhere along the way. I think I've lost a bit of confidence, and that may show, undermining my auditions with flop sweat.
2. The fault ain't mine. In the audition piece I was given I had a joke which was obviously meant to be a climactic laugh line but which I thought was really weak... last-season-of-Night-Court weak. Actually the whole scene was kind of like that Diane Rehm Show skit I posted a few weeks back, only without all the bile. Kind of a clunky "Fair, polite satire" thing. As my friend J'mel would say, it was very "local," as in a local production suitable only for local hometown-pride audiences. Sounds like a blast, huh? So in order to sell it I tried to invest it with the full force of the character's conviction, channeling everything I've learned from Bill Hicks about smart-alecky white guy ranting (which seemed like an on-target character choice). Maybe it sucked, but maybe it was too strong for what is meant to be a non-threatening little satire. You know, a dainty little wisp of a satire. A meek, harmless little fluffball of a satire. A Satirette.
Another guy did a reading of the same bit, and delivered the line with a casual offhandedness that probably worked better than my attempt to "save" the joke with a big chunk of actorly acting (he also gave a subtle and convincing performance, and might be very good in the role). I suppose professional actors have to learn to deliver lame jokes without any visible tremble of shame.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Transcription (From Memory)
Page: You're listening to the Diane Rehm Show. I'm Susan Page, filling in for Diane, and our topic today is harsh interrogation tactics which the Bush administration has approved and defended, but which President Obama seeks to end. Our guests are Mike Posner, President of Human Rights First; Jess Bravin, reporter for the Wall Street Journal, and Mark Thiessen, former speechwriter for President Bush. Mike, what's the story on harsh interrogation?
Mike: The Greatest Generation had a strict anti-torture policy, and they beat the Axis. We have a pro-torture policy, and we can't beat a bunch of scruffy cave dwellers.
Mark: We don't define it as torture if it works. Our interrogators tried going by the book and got diddly, but with harsh interrogation techniques we got info on all kinds of evil, and used that info to stop attacks on Americans.
Page: Such as?
Mark: Al-Quaida was totally gonna go ape all over us, but we got the info and stopped it.
Mike: Can you back that up with specifics?
Mark: I'm afraid I can't reveal the kind of high-level secrets that only speechwriters are privy to.
Jess: You know, I sat in on some Army interrogation training, and the by-the-book tactics aren't softball at all. They push people pretty far.
Mark: Nah, I've seen it. It's totally vanilla.
Mike: Vanilla?
Page: Let's take some calls. Hello Fred, you're on the air.
Fred: I'm a psychologist so I know what I'm talking about when I say that in Vietnam we learned that you do ANYTHING to get the information. You can't have your hands tied. You do whatever it takes to get the information. I can't tell you how many times I had to tie a guy up, slap him around, and press my genitals to his sweating, bristly face, just to get information out of him.
Mike: So those were the interrogation tactics used in Vietnam?
Fred: They were my tactics, and I find they're just as applicable to therapy.
Page: Really.
Fred: I've turned many a troubled teen around.
Mike: Say, didn't we lose in Vietnam?
Fred: Who's we, white man? Ho, Ho, Ho Chi Mihn! He taught us how to win!
Page: And that's about enough of Fred. Here's Becky from Nashville on line 2.
Becky: Speaking as President and Founder of the Nashville branch of the Daddy Touched Me And I Liked It Society, I believe real American Christian Men are tough. and in my White Christian McMansion with Thomas Kinkade prints on the wall, tough means being strong enough to put panties on the head of a guy who's been tied to a bedframe.
Mark: Now you're talkin'.
Becky: Don't forget, Jesus was a torturer!
Jess: Actually Jesus was tortured, not a torturer.
Becky: Are you saying Jesus was a terrorist?
Jess: No, the Romans thought he was a terrorist, so they tortured him on a false pretext.
Becky: That never happens I'm not listening LA LA LA. If you drew a Venn Diagram of "People Who Get Tortured" and "Terrorists" it would show a total overlap. We are an exceptional, moral, blessed nation, and that means we can do anything we want without jeapordizing our exceptional, moral, blessed status. If that means torturing a few creeps, so what?
Mark: Wow, I usually have to pay $3.95 per minute for this.
Page: Becky, thank you for your keen insights. Mark, zip your pants back up.
Mark: Look, this word "torture" is getting thrown around too freely. It's not torture if they're HEROES.
Mike: Where I come from Heroes is a dopey superhero soap opera. Only Neo-Cons think it's a reality show.
Mark: Mike, why do you love 9-11?
Mike: Suck it, gnome.
Mark: Okay then, Mike, let me ask you something. If you could have prevented 9-11 by sticking bamboo shoots under a terrorist's fingernails, would you have?
Jess: If I may interject here, 9-11 didn't happen because no one in America had the moral courage to torture terrorists. It happened because the CIA and FBI were acting like middle-schoolers who think each other is too stuck up. If they had shared information that they already had, the whole thing could have been averted.
Mark: Where's the fun in that? I can't go back to highlighting favorite passages in Naked Lunch! Tormenting young Arabic men is too important for the imagination alone! It needs to be explored... in all its shiny, wet glory...
Page: My hand to God, we are never discussing this topic again.
Mike: The Greatest Generation had a strict anti-torture policy, and they beat the Axis. We have a pro-torture policy, and we can't beat a bunch of scruffy cave dwellers.
Mark: We don't define it as torture if it works. Our interrogators tried going by the book and got diddly, but with harsh interrogation techniques we got info on all kinds of evil, and used that info to stop attacks on Americans.
Page: Such as?
Mark: Al-Quaida was totally gonna go ape all over us, but we got the info and stopped it.
Mike: Can you back that up with specifics?
Mark: I'm afraid I can't reveal the kind of high-level secrets that only speechwriters are privy to.
Jess: You know, I sat in on some Army interrogation training, and the by-the-book tactics aren't softball at all. They push people pretty far.
Mark: Nah, I've seen it. It's totally vanilla.
Mike: Vanilla?
Page: Let's take some calls. Hello Fred, you're on the air.
Fred: I'm a psychologist so I know what I'm talking about when I say that in Vietnam we learned that you do ANYTHING to get the information. You can't have your hands tied. You do whatever it takes to get the information. I can't tell you how many times I had to tie a guy up, slap him around, and press my genitals to his sweating, bristly face, just to get information out of him.
Mike: So those were the interrogation tactics used in Vietnam?
Fred: They were my tactics, and I find they're just as applicable to therapy.
Page: Really.
Fred: I've turned many a troubled teen around.
Mike: Say, didn't we lose in Vietnam?
Fred: Who's we, white man? Ho, Ho, Ho Chi Mihn! He taught us how to win!
Page: And that's about enough of Fred. Here's Becky from Nashville on line 2.
Becky: Speaking as President and Founder of the Nashville branch of the Daddy Touched Me And I Liked It Society, I believe real American Christian Men are tough. and in my White Christian McMansion with Thomas Kinkade prints on the wall, tough means being strong enough to put panties on the head of a guy who's been tied to a bedframe.
Mark: Now you're talkin'.
Becky: Don't forget, Jesus was a torturer!
Jess: Actually Jesus was tortured, not a torturer.
Becky: Are you saying Jesus was a terrorist?
Jess: No, the Romans thought he was a terrorist, so they tortured him on a false pretext.
Becky: That never happens I'm not listening LA LA LA. If you drew a Venn Diagram of "People Who Get Tortured" and "Terrorists" it would show a total overlap. We are an exceptional, moral, blessed nation, and that means we can do anything we want without jeapordizing our exceptional, moral, blessed status. If that means torturing a few creeps, so what?
Mark: Wow, I usually have to pay $3.95 per minute for this.
Page: Becky, thank you for your keen insights. Mark, zip your pants back up.
Mark: Look, this word "torture" is getting thrown around too freely. It's not torture if they're HEROES.
Mike: Where I come from Heroes is a dopey superhero soap opera. Only Neo-Cons think it's a reality show.
Mark: Mike, why do you love 9-11?
Mike: Suck it, gnome.
Mark: Okay then, Mike, let me ask you something. If you could have prevented 9-11 by sticking bamboo shoots under a terrorist's fingernails, would you have?
Jess: If I may interject here, 9-11 didn't happen because no one in America had the moral courage to torture terrorists. It happened because the CIA and FBI were acting like middle-schoolers who think each other is too stuck up. If they had shared information that they already had, the whole thing could have been averted.
Mark: Where's the fun in that? I can't go back to highlighting favorite passages in Naked Lunch! Tormenting young Arabic men is too important for the imagination alone! It needs to be explored... in all its shiny, wet glory...
Page: My hand to God, we are never discussing this topic again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)